More Jewelry, More Art, More Food |
In August 1987 a rare astronomical event took place. The earth, the sun, the moon and all the planets lined up in a single straight line. This arrangement is known in astrological circles as a harmonic convergence. Experts who pay attention to these things predicted that this harmonic convergence would either introduce an uninterrupted period of prosperity and well-being for all humanity, or result in a nuclear holocaust. Neither of these things happened. But there was a craft fair.
Every year thousands of jewelers sweat over their torches, labor at their benches and strain their eyes to produce pendants, bracelets, rings and belt buckles. Thousands of weavers bend over their looms to produce textiles, rugs and wall hangings. Thousands of chefs sweat over their stoves and ovens. Without the products of their labors there would be no craft fairs, no tents or booths full of things to buy or to eat.
Craft fairs have always existed. In primitive times wars and hunting were the main forms of masculine recreation. While the men were out enjoying themselves at these activities -- camping out and doing their male bonding thing -- the women were at home complaining that their husbands never took them anywhere. Og would come home, his wife would nag and complain that the place was shabby and needed redecorating, so he'd paint a few pictures on the wall of the cave, pack some bologna sandwiches, and take off again with the boys.
The wives didn't have anything to do, because there were no golf or country clubs, and none of them had taken bridge or tennis lessons. So they started doing things around the house. First they planted things in the yard, and invented agriculture. As a result, they started eating well and began putting on weight, so they had to invent clothing to cover up the extra pounds. Then they became creative. They began making pots, and weaving rugs, blankets and doilies. With all their spare time, they made more things than they needed, and had to figure out what to do with the surplus.
Archaeologists have discovered that the first craft fair was held in Nairobi in the year 39,682 B.C. There were only six vendors and twelve food booths, but the event was such a success that it has survived to the present time, and some of the original artisans still exhibit at fairs around the world.
Travel industry statistics show that one-fifth of all adults attend a festival of some sort while on a trip away from home. Attending a craft fair is a grueling ordeal, and should not be attempted by the weak-spirited or the physically infirm. To get maximum benefit from a fair you should start preparing weeks in advance. Do a lot of walking to strengthen your muscles and purchase appropriate clothing suitable for the weather, including a broad-brimmed hat if it looks like a sunny day. Go to the bank and arrange a loan or a mortgage to finance your purchases.
Women are genetically better suited to attending these events than men are. They have more physical stamina and a much longer attention span. They also know much more. They know the difference between iolite, sugulite, rodolite, quartz and glass. They can pinpoint the origin of a piece of turquoise within 20 miles. They don’t need a loupe to tell you how perfect a diamond is, and can tell you its size within one point. They know the difference between a Hopi and a Navaho rug.
Men, if you feel that when you’ve seen one craft fair you’ve seen them all, prepare for a long afternoon. Get a good book, find a comfortable bench and try to make the best of it. Or, while your wife is looking at Indian jewelry, find yourself a Western booth and learn to appreciate the American cowboy. Among the displays of guns and Bowie knives, you’ll find wooden shingles with cowboy wisdom like:
There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
And
Never squat with your spurs on.
Be a good sport about it. Don’t say anything about having seen the same artisans at the same booths at every fair you’ve ever been to. Don’t point out that there is no room on your walls for another Indian hanging or that every flat surface in the house is already covered with clay pots. Console yourself with the fact that a fair is the only place you can get decent kielbasi and Indian fry bread. Just say, "Yes dear, I like it," carry her purchases out to the car, and don’t say anything about your heartburn. That way, maybe you won’t get any complaints about the weekends you spend at rod and gun shows, or about the fact that you played golf with your buddies on Mother’s Day.