Acute Angles: The Joy of Privatization |
Everybody knows that Social Security will eventually run into trouble, and that something has to be done about it soon. Fortunately, the business community is ready to help us get a good return if we privatize the Fund and invest it in the stock market. A number of companies with innovative new products are ready to use the influx of Social Security investment money to make their expertise available for the benefit of America’s retirees. The following information has been excerpted from the prospectuses of a few of them.
Panacea Products, a pharmaceutical company, has developed a super-strength placebo that is effective in treating a wide variety of diseases including PMS, depression and hypochondria, and which has been found to be the only cure for a new disease that has no known symptoms. The placebo has undergone extensive comparative tests against almost all other medicines, and has been shown to have no harmful side effects or bad interactions with any other medication the patient may be taking. FDA approval is expected soon. It will be made available in regular and time-release form.
The Ultimate Computer, a company formed by three college dropouts, has developed a computer so advanced that it makes both the Mac and the PC obsolete. In a break-through advance over current state-of-the-art technology, they have developed recognition sensors so attuned that all the user has to do is think what he wants to do, and the computer does it for him. A built-in universal translator is part of the package, so the thinking can be done in any language.
Hydro Cars Corporation has developed an automobile that operates on a new and unique principle. It is powered by the combustion of hydrogen obtained from a safe, inexpensive and readily available compound called DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide). The dihydrogen monoxide molecule consists of two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen, and its chemical formulation is written as H2O. DHMO is cheap and available almost everywhere, so the operating costs are practically zero. The waste product of the combustion process is water, and no atmospheric pollution is produced. Tentatively, the vehicle has been named the Aqua-Car. Funds are needed to develop a prototype and to manufacture and market it to the public.
Water Unlimited, an environmentally sensitive company concerned about the dwindling water supplies in the western United States, has secured drilling rights to the Alaskan glacier and intends to mine it for ice cubes, which will be shipped to the water-hungry western states. The potential market is estimated to be in the billions. This will extend the life of existing groundwater supplies by many, many years. The company also has plans which include harvesting water from the atmosphere. Air will be blown over chilled pipes and the condensation collected in huge tanks for storage and shipment to arid regions. This proprietary technology may make it possible to reclaim huge areas of desert and convert them to agriculture and other useful purposes.
Incarcerations Incorporated will drastically reduce prison costs in this country by building private prisons. A spokesman for the company said, "We charge way less than what it costs the state to keep a man in prison, and still make a profit. We give the prisoners clean rooms, good food and recreational facilities like golf, tennis, soft-ball, and arts and crafts. This way we eliminate the expenses of the walls, the barbed wire fences, the guards and the cells. The inmates wouldn’t dream of trying to escape. We have a waiting list and people are committing crimes just to get into our prisons."
Power to the People was founded by a team of physicists in Arizona who say they know the reason why efforts to duplicate cold fusion failed. They have discovered a subatomic particle that has no mass, no energy, no magnetic field, no spin or any other physical properties. Because of its total lack of characteristics this particle has been named the zeron. Their calculations show that zerons are needed as a catalyst for cold fusion, and that the does not take place without them. Although zerons are present in abundance in outer space, the earth’s upper atmosphere prevents them from reaching the surface and the corporation needs funds to develop a practical source of zerons. Once such a source of zerons is found, cold fusion will become a practical reality. The energy in one cubic mile of seawater can supply the entire earth’s energy requirements for a year.
If Social Security funds are invested in innovative companies like these, America will bring a new era of prosperity and higher living standards to the entire world, and will ensure the solvency of Social Security for the next millennium.