Acute Angles ... The Art of Intelligent Conversation |
Do you ever find yourself at a loss during a conversation? Do you feel that your background is inadequate when people talk about things that are over your head? Relax. Give up those feelings of inferiority. All it means is that you haven’t mastered a few simple tricks of dinner and cocktail party conversation.
The fact that you’re reading this column shows that you are a reasonably well-informed person of intelligence and good taste. You just have to learn a few basic techniques, and you’ll be able to hold your own in discussions on any intellectual level.
The first thing to realize is that, contrary to what people think, conversation is not communication. When one person is speaking, the others are not actually listening. They’re waiting for the speaker to stop so they can say something. Once you absorb that fact, there’s nothing to it. What you say doesn’t really have to have anything to do with the subject. It just has to sound as if it does, and sound as if it makes sense to people who are only half listening.
In today’s culture, most conversation is pretty shallow. The only thing most people know about Descartes is “I think, therefore I am”, that Archimedes said “Eureka!” in his bathtub, Mars is just a candy bar, and the names Ramses and Trojans have only one significance to most men. So don’t worry about the content of what you say, as long as it sounds good.
Memorize a few snippets of conversation about the subjects that are liable to come up, and learn to recite them with confidence. Try to have two statements on each subject, in case someone happens to pretend to be listening or asks a question. They don’t have to be related, but it’s better when they sound as if they are. If it gets around to you for a third time, say anything. Even double-talk will do in an emergency. Nobody will know the difference. By that time the topic will have been exhausted anyway, and everybody will be ready for a change of subject. A few examples will show how it’s done:
In light of the recent election, you may want to have some fun by bringing up the subject of holes. For example: “What criteria do you use to identify a hole? Is a hole the absence of something, or the presence of nothing?” And as a follow-up if it comes back to you: “A hole is an absence, not a substance, and it is irrevocable. Once a hole has been made, it cannot be unmade. Holes are used to make something definitive, like punching a ticket or a ballot.”
If you want to say something literary, you can’t go wrong with T.S. Eliot: “When you ask ‘What does it mean?’ you have to realize that even though the substance of many of his more familiar passages remains opaque, Eliot’s genius took the form of the auditory more than the visual imagination.” On your next turn: “Although he’s been out of style for a while, the time is probably ripe for a return swing of the pendulum, a renewed respect for the great originality and beauty of his poetry, and a more sophisticated analysis of its shortcomings.” Then quit while you’re ahead. Nobody you’re likely to be talking to knows much about Eliot or his poetry.
If psychology or humor comes up, or someone tells a joke, say something like: “Did you know that chuckles and guffaws are universal in human communication and serve vital roles in bringing people together?” The second time around: “There’s a big humor gender gap between men and women. Surveys show that women laugh more than men, and men enjoy getting laughs from women.” Stop there, while it still sounds as if it makes sense.
When it’s about economics, it’s always safe to quote Alan Greenspan. You can sound as if you know what you’re talking about with something like: “The other day Alan Greenspan pointed out that in an economy that already has lost some momentum, one must remain alert to the possibility that greater caution and weakening asset values in financial markets could signal or precipitate an excessive softening in household and business spending.” Then: “Any notable shortfall in economic performance from the standard of recent years runs the risk of reviving mistrust of market-oriented systems, but we’re not headed for a recession as long as the Federal Reserve is on top of the situation.” Motherhood and apple pie.
Don’t feel squeamish about using your snippets in a conversation. Watch any political press conference on TV and you’ll see how easy it is to answer any question with a totally irrelevant statement of your own. Follow the advice in this column and you’ll be amazed at how soon you acquire a reputation as a skilled well-informed conversationalist and end up on the A-list of party invitees.