Acute Angles  - Stories From The Back Pages

by David Fidelman

Sometimes they’re hidden in the back pages that most people don’t get to; sometimes they’re in small town papers and don’t get national attention. As a public service for the edification of this column’s readers, here are some of the interesting items that have appeared over the past few years.

INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY: Vicki Huddleston, head of the U.S. Interests Section in Cuba, has had her membership in the Cuban National Afghan Hound Kennel Club canceled because of the U.S. “policy of hostility against Cuba’s people and their government” and her personal support for Cuban dissidents on the island. Her dog, however, was welcomed to membership in the club and invited to participate in the national dog show in Havana.

GOVERNMENT COVER-UP: A private satellite company has posted photographs on the internet of Area 51, where the government is said to be conducting its secret UFO research. The pictures show buildings, living quarters, tennis courts, a baseball field, a track and a swimming pool, but no evidence of any alien spacecraft or activity. A spokesman for the UFO Research Cover-Up Investigation Bureau said, “Obviously all the ultra-secret research is being conducted underground so that it will not be visible to satellite surveillance. The lack of evidence is direct proof of the existence of a conspiracy.”

DEJA VU: From the Arizona Republic, 4-25-96:  The Republican leaders in Congress announced that instead of raising the minimum wage, they intend to help the poor by cutting income taxes.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! A daring band of bare-breasted bandits and their boy friends have been robbing markets in the Netherlands. And they haven’t been apprehended – nobody has seen the men at all and can’t seem to remember what the women’s faces look like. 

LAW ENFORCEMENT: It is illegal in Utah to bring drugs or alcohol in from other states. Utah Highway Patrol officers have been enforcing the law by setting up signs on roads into the state warning of a police check point, telling drivers to “Deposit Contraband Here.” Any driver who complied by dumping drugs or alcohol at the designated spot was then arrested by troopers hiding nearby. They say this use of false roadblocks has been highly effective in catching lawbreakers.

AUTOMOTIVE MAYHEM: In a Burley, Idaho, supermarket parking lot a man damaged seven cars and was cited for reckless driving – all without leaving his parking space. As he tried to maneuver out of his space he first hit the car beside him, pushing it into two other vehicles, then pulled forward and hit another car causing a domino effect on two other cars. Total damages were about $14,000. The driver, 88-year-old Dean Fox said, “It was the car’s fault. It took off without being in gear.”

HIGH MATHEMATICS: In a test conducted in Amsterdam, Holland, to compare the taste of organically grown (“bio”) marijuana with that grown by chemical-based hydroponics methods, bio enjoyed a slight edge. 83.14% of those taking the test expressed a preference for bio, compared to 81.4% for hydro.

VIRGINITY PLEDGE SURVEY: Since 1993 over 2.5 million adolescents have taken public pledges of sexual abstinence before marriage. A survey released by the National Institute of Health shows that by the time they were 17 years old 65% were still virgins, compared to 50% of non-pledgers. However, pledgers who begin having non-marital sex are significantly more likely to do so without contraception. One researcher pointed out that “it is hard to imagine how one could both pledge to be a virgin until marriage and carry a condom while unmarried.”     HIGHER MATHEMATICS: Arizona Public Service, the power company, is conducting experiments on domestic use of solar power, and has built a home in Phoenix for a family to test it. The solar panels installed at a cost of $60,000 supply all the power for the house when the sun is shining, and last year reduced the electricity bills by $500.

ANIMAL RIGHTS: An animal rights group called Liberate The Lobsters purchased 17 live lobsters from Reay’s Market in Tucson, flew them to Maine, and set them free in the Atlantic Ocean.

ENGLISH ONLY PROGRESS REPORT: El Cenizo is a heavily Hispanic border town of 7,800 people south of Laredo, Texas, across the Rio Grande river from Mexico. Most of the residents speak only Spanish. The El Cenizo City Council has voted to make Spanish the town’s official language. Town business will be conducted in Spanish, then translated into English for official documents to meet the requirements of Texas law.    

MEDICAL NEWS: Norway has opened a hospital clinic to help hypochondriacs. Dr. Ingvard Wilhelmsen said in an interview that “even though hypochondriacs suffer imaginary illnesses or worry excessively about their health, they really do suffer.” The clinic, in the city of Bergen, will treat only patients who are in good physical health.

THE WORLD OF SCIENCE: The Salt Lake Tribune, 8-20-92:  Eighteen months after he caused an explosion in an abandoned Tooele County church in which he was cooking amphetamine, an illegal drug known as speed, David Bernhard, 27-year-old honors graduate in Chemistry from the University of Utah, was re-apprehended, tried and sentenced to 27 months in prison. Initially when police arrived after the explosion, he told them he was performing a cold fusion experiment.

CUSTOMER ALERT Authorities have issued a warning that some unscrupulous distributors are substituting inferior fish roe for authentic Russian beluga and sevruga caviar. You may be paying $75 an ounce for a counterfeit worth only about $10 an ounce. A shipment that  one wholesaler said was Russian imported from the United Arab Emirates, was subjected to DNA tests and found to be American paddlefish and hackleback roe. The certificates of authenticity, stamped with a seal that appeared to be Russian, had been printed in the importer’s Maryland office.

BAD NEWS FOR TUCSON The Arizona Republic reports that the state may have to temporarily shelve several prison projects, including a new $119 million 4400-bed prison in Tucson, because of a disappointingly slower than expected growth in the state prison population.

FOOD TECHNOLOGY BREAKTHROUGH: Food researchers at Oklahoma State University announced that they have developed sliced peanut butter which will come wrapped in plastic in the form of “peel and eat” slices. The product is expected to appear on grocery shelves within 18 months. Danielle Bellmer, the lead university researcher said, “People tell us you can’t sell peanut butter slices without jelly slices. That’s probably next.”