Acute Angles:
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This article is written for the benefit of those of our readers who have hopes of becoming successful enough to be the subject of a court hearing, of a trial, of a Congressional investigation, or of some other high-profile proceeding.
If you are, or expect to become a business tycoon, a politician, a Catholic bishop or Cardinal, or to reach a position of similar stature, you are likely to face the possibility of becoming involved in a bankruptcy hearing, a fraud investigation, or a sexual abuse trial. It’s important that you learn how to handle yourself properly to stay out of trouble. Here are some proven rules of proper witness behavior during an examination under oath:
Remember that you’re there because you have to be, not because you want to be. You’d rather be back at the office, or playing golf, or out of the country.
At all costs avoid taking the Fifth Amendment. You certainly have the right not to incriminate yourself, but you don’t want to raise in anyone’s mind the question of what crime it is which you don’t want to be involved in incriminating yourself of having committed. It’s safer to not remember.
Don’t be ashamed to take advantage of your poor memory. Nobody can be expected to remember everything. The less you remember, the better. A typical question-and-answer exchange might go as follows:
Answer: There are so many things I didn’t say, that I can’t remember all of them.
If there are allegations of wrongdoing in your organization, don’t hesitate to point out how much authority you delegate to your subordinates, and how much they do on their own initiative without informing you, or asking for your authorization or approval. Admit that many things are done that you are not aware of, and you certainly wouldn’t have condoned anything illegal.
Point out that you are appalled by disclosures of misconduct performed by people in your organization, emphasize that the strongest measures will be taken to punish the guilty, and assure everybody that such conduct is unconscionable and will not be tolerated.
Under certain conditions you can assert yourself. If you are an expert witness in a hearing and are being badgered by an attorney, don’t let yourself be intimidated. Sometimes you have to answer the question in the spirit in which it was asked. However, a word of caution. Such responses all right for an expert witness, but not for the inquisitee, who must be respectful to everybody at all times.
Answer: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Be confident of your expertise and state the facts as they are, as in the
Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for blood pressure?
Answer: No.
Answer: No.
Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
Answer: No.
Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Question: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Answer: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
If you act according to the above precepts, you will be seen as the model of probity and candor that you really are, and it will be evident to everybody that you are trying your best to help get to the bottom of whatever situation is under investigation.
This helpful advice has been presented because the readers of this column are upright, honest, loyal citizens who would never consider doing anything illegal or immoral. It is not intended to help people guilty of fraud, bribery, pedophilia or the commission or cover-up of any criminal activities, who are requested not to read it or take advantage of any of the information it provides.